My first love was gay

       I was just browsing through Facebook missing all my old friends abroad, when I decided I want to know what’s up with my first boyfriend ever. We were about 15 then, and although the relationship ended in a month, I thought he was the most “decent” boy I’ve dated if you know what I mean.

        What I got from looking at his profile was more than I wanted. Listed under his Interest was “Men.” In a few minutes after looking at his pictures to see if he was joking, I called mom. She has always expected that all the guys I’ve dated in my entire life were gay. I called her and told her this news and started screaming like a kateoy on the phone.          

“Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! (repeat 10 X) Can you believe that? That means my last boyfriend must be gay, too!”

Pic from AP:  Edvard Munch "The Scream"

       Of course, I wouldn’t be screaming so much if the last guy I had a crush on this year weren’t gay. I recently had a little crush with a man this year—one was confirmed gay by a friend. The other friend I am seeing has never told me he was gay, but has a sweet voice.

        In the same course of this month, I looked through a profile of my best girl friend whose in America now. Under relationship, I realised my girl friend was dating another girl. “Aaaaahhhhhhhhh! (repeat 10 X) my friend is a lesbian!” No wonder I see that glazed look in her eyes when I told her if she was ever curious about kissing girls. Yes, I like beautiful girls but I’ve never thought about dating them, but my friend has gone beyond my territory of just being curious. They were just friends and it got serious later on.

       In her own words she said, “It’s a girl!” like she just conceived a baby or something. I am not sure if I should be feeling like I am pregnant.
My last ex-boyfriend was probably gay. When I got angry, he would take a little skirt and wear them so I would laugh. When I wore a different colored bra strap than my top, he looked at me strangely and said I should wear matching colours. While I was eating one day, he quizzically looked at me. I thought he thought I was gorgeous, but on the contrary.

       “You have great features. You just don’t know how to bring them out,” he told me. Once, when I looked especially pretty, he gave a jealous look at me and told me to wipe off my lipstick. What’s more my ex-boyfriend has a really rock hard solid butt. I was always jealous of that.

         My mom has always thought he was gay, because whenever she said anything good about me, my boyfriend would act really uncomfortable like he didn’t agree.  She always thought I have never ever experienced real love before, because all of my boyfriends were gay.

       “When you see a real man, you will know what love is all about,” she told me. I thought my mom just hated gay people and snuffed everything she said. To me gay people are great – they dare to break the boundaries, they know everything from fashion to make-up, they’re classy, and they have great bodies. I love gays and lesbians!
But I never knew that I would become the girlfriend of any of them. And I never thought that some of my girlfriends were lesbians or tomboys.

       I am not even sure what this did to my self-esteem. When I was with my ex-boyfriend I never thought I was attractive, because he always said I was just OK looking. On the other hand, my brother told me that since so many gays and lesbians like me, I must be very attractive, as it is hard to persuade a gay man to like a woman. I swallowed his words like a burger.

       Now I am paranoid. I find myself looking at all girls, boys, men, and women and more often than not they are of the better sex (as I like to call them). I am pretty sure in the future our Thai population will have about 40 percent better sex, so these things might just be more normal for everyone.

     But I still stand for what I say. The better sex is dandy, but when it comes to a real relationship I don't need any complications. I just want a man.