Talking about MARRIAGE in this blog is going to be fun. I invite all readers to make comments from experience, perception and thought in terms of social issues.

Marriage is personal matter of two people, basically a man and a woman. Legally, it’s a binding obligation, which involves entire lives of a married couple. It’s a long process of living together in the same roof. Anything can happen from their first day in marriage and the next day that will come as long as the couple stays together with their child or children. The marriage vow in Christian tradition,  “I (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part,”  is just ceremonial remarks that can fade away from the couple mind so easily when things between them become rough and unbearable. It may result in a broken marriage or a bitter lives for both of them until death do them part.

In the western world cultures, marriage is a tie between man and woman. That’s why they call it a nuptial knot. But this kind of knot can be undone. In the East, marriage is interpreted in different perception from one country to another. A marriage can be a life-long commitment on the woman part or a slave to her husband. A wife has no social standard and subject to her husband’s wishes. In a couple household, a wife’s main duty is to serve her husband’s sexual pleasure. Other duties in the couple’s household are secondary.

In Thailand, influence of Buddhism plays an importance role in laying down a guideline for a happy family life for husband and wife. In a marriage ceremony, monks can be involved only when parents of the couple or the couple themselves ask for a Buddhist religious rite to be performed by a monk or 3, 5, 7 or nine monks to a place arranged for holding the rite. There are not many activities other than chanting mantras for a blessing on the couple before actual wedding ceremony. An image of Buddha on an altar is to be set up for the couple to perform their traditional gesture of respect by lighting a couple of candles and three incense sticks. After that the couple would “graab” the Buddha three times for the image blessings.

The highlight of Thai wedding ceremony as practiced in Bangkok and other urban areas with financial stability is the pouring of holy water (blessed by monks) over the couple’s hands by wedding guests who would give them good wished for a long-lasted lives together or a short advice. The wedding guests at the ceremony are traditionally senior relatives and friends of their parents. Friends and younger relatives will not involve. Friends will be invited to a wedding reception, traditionally organized in the evening of the wedding ceremony. Many couples nowadays keep the ceremony brief and involved only senior relatives. It depends on the social status of the parents or the man or the woman themselves. The venue of the ceremony and reception has become a status symbol of the couple and their parent. The favourite venue for the famous and the rich can be a top-class hotel. Some couples may be graciously granted an audience with HM the King and the Queen for their Majesties to give holy water to them in a brief and private ceremony. It’s the highest honour a wedding couple can be granted in Thailand. No further ceremony can be performed afterward, except a reception.

A small conch shell with gold trim is used for pouring of holy water on the hands of the couple. This is a standard for middle-class people for whom wedding ceremony is important in their lives as well as a show of class. There is no wedding vow to utter by the couple. The legal binding is the certificate of marriage issued by the district chief anywhere in Thailand. The choice depends on the couple’s judgment alone. But there is no legal enforcement to require a couple who held the wedding ceremony to register their marriage. Modern couples live as man and wife and having children without marriage certificate. It happened under some reasons. One is both sides of the couple or one of them is wealthy to the point that they do not want to be involved on matrimonial sharing of wealth with his or her partner if the lives together went sour to the point of breaking up. The law now allows a bride to use her own family name after marriage and the couple can register their child family name in any of the father or mother.

In ancient past, a couple was known as “man and wife” because a man is dominant in social standing over woman in every society.  There was no legal obligation for a man to his woman. Women serve men as mistresses in much lesser social status. Let me quote a definition of husband from Answer.com as follows:

“The English word husband, even though it is a basic kinship term, is not a native English word. It comes ultimately from the Old Norse word hūsbōndi, meaning “master of a house,” which was borrowed into Old English as hūsbōnda. The second element in hūsbōndi, bōndi, means “a man who has land and stock” and comes from the Old Norse verb būa, meaning “to live, dwell, have a household.” The master of the house was usually a spouse as well, of course, and it would seem that the main modern sense of husband arises from this overlap. When the Norsemen settled in Anglo-Saxon England, they would often take Anglo-Saxon women as their wives; it was then natural to refer to the husband using the Norse word for the concept, and to refer to the wife with her Anglo-Saxon (Old English) designation, wīf, “woman, wife” (Modern English wife). Interestingly, Old English did have a feminine word related to Old Norse hūsbōndi that meant “mistress of a house,” namely, hūsbonde. Had this word survived into Modern English, it would have sounded identical to husband—surely leading to ambiguities.”

 I think, at present, Thai women have a lot of liberties to enjoy more than those in the past and also in some other countries since the law on family name was promulgated last year.

Thai women in the old days when men were superior over women were protected in large part by Buddhist teaching in morality and duties of husband and wife. In the code of 7 for good men or seven virtues of a gentleman, which is known as suppurisa dhamma, are described as follows: 1) Dhammaññutā: knowing the law, knowing the cause.   2) Atthaññutā: knowing the meaning, knowing the purpose and knowing the consequence.  3) Attaññutā: knowing oneself.  4) Mattaññutā: moderation; knowing how to be temperate.  5) Kālaññutā: knowing the proper time; knowing how to choose and keep time.  6)  Parisaññutā: knowing the assembly; knowing the society.  7) Puggalaññutā: knowing the individual; knowing the different individuals.

Buddhism also teaches a husband to look after his wife in 5 ways as his household partner or follower: a) By honouring her, b) by being courteous to her, c) by being faithful to her, d) by handing over authority to her, and e) by providing her of ornaments. For a wife, there are five ways to show her love to her husband: a) The household affairs are to be well-managed, b) she should be hospitable and helpful to friends and relations of both hers and his, c) she should be faithful to him, d) she should take care of the goods he brings home, and e) she should be skilful and industrious in all her duties.

However, Buddhist teachings cannot stand the overwhelming power of changes in people’s way of life under the industrial revolutions since the 17^th century. The borderless world in terms of international trade and globalization as well as capitalistic tendency have deluded the Buddhist principles for good conduct of husband and wife and their decent way of being good partner to each other until death.  The loss of respect between husband and wife opens way to domestic violence to seep into their family as well as their carelessness toward each other. Divorces and cases of broken home and abandoning of their responsibilities to look after their child or children have damaging effects to Thai society as a whole. (To be continued with discussion in matrimonial language and traditional practices)