The Big Mango V.S. Uncle Sam

Thai expat living in California, looking back and comparing life in Thailand and the U.S.
Permalink : http://blog.nationmultimedia.com/oakmonster

Saturday , September 8 , 2007

Planning your own death

Posted by OakMonster , Reader : 894 , 20:56:02 | Category : Family Matters Thai X Files

Hi gang. I have returned to the sunny California. Thank you for all the kind words and support you have given me the past few weeks as I went through all sorts of things. Oh hey, if you want to see some pictures from my mom's wake and funeral, head on over to the memorial page on my personal blog at OakMonster.com. It was interesting to describe the Thai funeral proceeding to American friends. "What do you mean, 8 days of wake?" and "Why are you wearing black and white (and gray) for 50 days again?" But they were very understanding. With my mom's funeral, we were going with traditions. The traditional Thai Buddhist funeral with a bit of twist here and there. We shorten the traditional 8-day wake and double up the chanting 2 nights to make up for lost time in order to have a cremation on Sunday, a more convenient day for guests to attend. We skipped the traditional favor of a memorial book not only because we didn't have much time, but also because my mom didn't like the idea. Thai memorial books are usually a few pages of eulogy, some words from the family and pictures. And then the rest are usually some kind of a useful guide. My mom had passed along one that was a yoga instructional book. For my princess grandmother's funeral, it was a gardening guide as gardening was her hobby. There was even a family cookbook. Clearly, some of these are useful and handy to have, but my mom had always thought that they should be giving out something more practical. "Why don't they ever give out something we can actually use? You know, like an umbrella, or something," she once said. And therefore, at her cremation ceremony, you guessed it, we gave out umbrellas. Americans have their own way of dealing with funerals too. And a lot more liberal at that than us Thais. Not everyone is doing the same thing here. Some can be highly religious while some went with their own arrangements. Some gets buried they same way us Thais might have seen in television series and movies, and some gets unceremoniously cremated and scattered, or, in the case of the gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson, shot out of a cannon. Some Americans are very serious about how they are "going out" and have all their wishes binded in living wills. After the brouhaha that was Terri Schiavo and her rights to live/die, many more start to consider a legal path to their death. My husband and I had talked about ours. Yes, early in our 30s we are already discussing our deaths. We're not morbid, just, well, prepared. Although we haven't had anything legalized, but we know how we want to go and how we want our bodies dealt with. And I had mine posted on the internet somewhere as a back up plan in the meantime. Heh. Pretty much, we want to be unplugged after one week if there is absolutely no hope, enough time to say goodbye. We want our body parts farmed out as much as possible to save other lives and then cremated. He wants his ashes scattered at his parents' house in the mountains of New Mexico. I want mine there as well as in Thailand where my mom is at, and if possible, a little bit over the LA Coliseum so I may continue to watch the USC Trojans football team. Neither one of us want a sad funeral. He wants a memorial service/wake that is more like a party. My family would want me to go the religious way, but at the end of the whole ordeal, if we can even have that in California, I want a party at the end too. And someone had better be drunk in my honor! But hey, I digress. :) My mom didn't have anything like that laid out for us. We just went with what we know and what we think she'd like. Like the umbrellas, we know she doesn't want her remains split up. As in, she doesn't want us to keep any part of her ashes like we did with princess grandmother. She also doesn't want my brothers to ordain for her. Some Thais do that once in their lifetime, usually to generate good karma for their dead parents. The length could be the convenient 3 days to the full lent season of a few months. "If you don't really want to ordain, then the karma is moot," mom once said. "So unless you want to do it yourself, don't be forced into monkhood thinking it's going to be good for me." An involuntary monkhood is more offensive to her than no ordaining at all. Therefore, my unmarried brother didn't ordain. Also, we know mom didn't want to be kept on tubes and life support. She had witnessed many in her life that she wishes not to be one. We had all the intentions to follow her wishes. "Not even for me," I told my dad. I knew of some people who kept loved one alive just for the family members to all be at bedside. I didn't want that for my mom. My dad agreed. But ever the gracious lady, never ever wants to cause anyone problems or inconvenience--as Thais would call it, kreng jai--mom made it easier on all of us as she quietly and peacefully passed away. Maybe it's a jinx, or maybe it's unlucky talk, but having discussed our deaths in advance, makes it easier for our loved ones we left behind. We won't be sticking them with tough decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. I'm not saying that ones could still live guilt-free even with written directives, but it makes it easier. My husband's best friend had to watch his mom died a few months before my mom passed away. After a long struggle, while coherent, she signed a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order and made clear she wanted off the tubes. Even though he wasn't the doctor who took the tubes off, he, a medical student, was the one pronouncing her time of death. He had told his wife that there is still a part of him that thinks he killed his mother. Death of loved ones, planned or unplanned, is never going to be easy. But at least we are talking about it instead of hiding from it. We may never be completely ready for death, but at least by talking about it, we won't be so afraid.

Hi gang. I have returned to the sunny California. Thank you for all the kind words and support you have given me the past few weeks as I went through all sorts of things.

Oh hey, if you want to see some pictures from my mom's wake and funeral, head on over to the memorial page on my personal blog at OakMonster.com.

It was interesting to describe the Thai funeral proceeding to American friends. "What do you mean, 8 days of wake?" and "Why are you wearing black and white (and gray) for 50 days again?" But they were very understanding.

With my mom's funeral, we were going with traditions. The traditional Thai Buddhist funeral with a bit of twist here and there. We shorten the traditional 8-day wake and double up the chanting 2 nights to make up for lost time in order to have a cremation on Sunday, a more convenient day for guests to attend. We skipped the traditional favor of a memorial book not only because we didn't have much time, but also because my mom didn't like the idea.

Thai memorial books are usually a few pages of eulogy, some words from the family and pictures. And then the rest are usually some kind of a useful guide. My mom had passed along one that was a yoga instructional book. For my princess grandmother's funeral, it was a gardening guide as gardening was her hobby. There was even a family cookbook. Clearly, some of these are useful and handy to have, but my mom had always thought that they should be giving out something more practical.

"Why don't they ever give out something we can actually use? You know, like an umbrella, or something," she once said.

And therefore, at her cremation ceremony, you guessed it, we gave out umbrellas.

Americans have their own way of dealing with funerals too. And a lot more liberal at that than us Thais. Not everyone is doing the same thing here. Some can be highly religious while some went with their own arrangements. Some gets buried they same way us Thais might have seen in television series and movies, and some gets unceremoniously cremated and scattered, or, in the case of the gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson, shot out of a cannon.

Some Americans are very serious about how they are "going out" and have all their wishes binded in living wills. After the brouhaha that was Terri Schiavo and her rights to live/die, many more start to consider a legal path to their death.

My husband and I had talked about ours. Yes, early in our 30s we are already discussing our deaths. We're not morbid, just, well, prepared. Although we haven't had anything legalized, but we know how we want to go and how we want our bodies dealt with. And I had mine posted on the internet somewhere as a back up plan in the meantime. Heh.

Pretty much, we want to be unplugged after one week if there is absolutely no hope, enough time to say goodbye. We want our body parts farmed out as much as possible to save other lives and then cremated. He wants his ashes scattered at his parents' house in the mountains of New Mexico. I want mine there as well as in Thailand where my mom is at, and if possible, a little bit over the LA Coliseum so I may continue to watch the USC Trojans football team.

Neither one of us want a sad funeral. He wants a memorial service/wake that is more like a party. My family would want me to go the religious way, but at the end of the whole ordeal, if we can even have that in California, I want a party at the end too. And someone had better be drunk in my honor! But hey, I digress. :)

My mom didn't have anything like that laid out for us. We just went with what we know and what we think she'd like. Like the umbrellas, we know she doesn't want her remains split up. As in, she doesn't want us to keep any part of her ashes like we did with princess grandmother. She also doesn't want my brothers to ordain for her. Some Thais do that once in their lifetime, usually to generate good karma for their dead parents. The length could be the convenient 3 days to the full lent season of a few months.

"If you don't really want to ordain, then the karma is moot," mom once said. "So unless you want to do it yourself, don't be forced into monkhood thinking it's going to be good for me." An involuntary monkhood is more offensive to her than no ordaining at all. Therefore, my unmarried brother didn't ordain.

Also, we know mom didn't want to be kept on tubes and life support. She had witnessed many in her life that she wishes not to be one. We had all the intentions to follow her wishes.

"Not even for me," I told my dad. I knew of some people who kept loved one alive just for the family members to all be at bedside. I didn't want that for my mom. My dad agreed.

But ever the gracious lady, never ever wants to cause anyone problems or inconvenience--as Thais would call it, kreng jai--mom made it easier on all of us as she quietly and peacefully passed away.

Maybe it's a jinx, or maybe it's unlucky talk, but having discussed our deaths in advance, makes it easier for our loved ones we left behind. We won't be sticking them with tough decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives.

I'm not saying that ones could still live guilt-free even with written directives, but it makes it easier. My husband's best friend had to watch his mom died a few months before my mom passed away. After a long struggle, while coherent, she signed a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order and made clear she wanted off the tubes. Even though he wasn't the doctor who took the tubes off, he, a medical student, was the one pronouncing her time of death. He had told his wife that there is still a part of him that thinks he killed his mother.

Death of loved ones, planned or unplanned, is never going to be easy. But at least we are talking about it instead of hiding from it. We may never be completely ready for death, but at least by talking about it, we won't be so afraid.

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comment 5
veen date : 17/09/2007 time : 01.44
http://blog.nationmultimedia.com/veen

I like your mom's idea on giving something useful. As for my mom's funeral, we gave hankies. I don't know if my mom was happy about it since she died too young to leave us any clue.

Personally, I think a funeral should be a celebration of the end of our 'human' life time. You've given a nice thought of how I should prepare mine. I think you're right to talk to your hubby about it. It's a great idea. As for me, I may gradually tell my preference to my daughter although whenever I raise the issue, she always thinks I talk rubbish because her mommy is still young. But have you ever seen anyone too young to die?

comment 4
narcisuss date : 10/09/2007 time : 12.55
http://blog.nationmultimedia.com/narcisuss
I come in peace :)

catch: that's funny :=)

comment 3
catch22 date : 10/09/2007 time : 07.01
http://blog.nationmultimedia.com/catch22

Narc - You're quite right. You need a network of people that know your wishes....and check frequently that your lawyer is still breathing. I have a lawyer in Thailand who I see annually and whenever I see her, I'm still not sure if she's breathing or if they just bring her in and prop her up in a chair!! The sight of some 1000 Baht notes seem to revive her somewhat.

comment 2
narcisuss date : 09/09/2007 time : 15.32
http://blog.nationmultimedia.com/narcisuss
I come in peace :)

How does one go about making sure that ones instructions are passed onto those whom are left behind? A lawyer is the first thing that comes to mind, but wont that be rather expensive? And how will the lawyer know if I suddenly got into a lethal accident.. ?

comment 1
catch22 date : 09/09/2007 time : 11.58
http://blog.nationmultimedia.com/catch22

Oak Monster - First of all please accept my condolences on the death of your mother.

This is a great blog and top marks for broaching such a sensitive but important topic in a land where speaking of death scares a lot of people.

My personal belief (which I’m not trying to push on to others) is that - irrespective of the law in any particular country - rational elderly and seriously ill people have the right to determine - for themselves - when and how they die. This is regardless of their state of health and regardless of any existing legislation.

I think the focus should always be upon practical information and real choices. The alternative is for society to make doctors the gate-keepers of dying - a proposition which is elitist, non-egalitarian and downright unfair to those who have had neither the opportunity, nor luck or perseverance to have attended and succeeded in medical school.

In my lifetime I have seen people having to go begging, ‘cap in hand’ to doctors to gain permission to die. While laws make patient control in dying possible to a certain extent, it also privileges the medical profession in a way that makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I don’t like the fact that people have to jump through hoops just to qualify to use the law. While safeguards are fine and good in terms of protecting the vulnerable, such guards should never be so stringent so as to make seriously ill people’s lives all the more difficult.

It seems to me that in countries (usually western) that have a ‘Right of the Terminally Ill’ Act or policy they are just putting forward a fairly conservative piece of legislation that makes me think that a law can sometimes constrain people’s choices, rather than protect them.

While right to die laws can certainly protect loved ones and medical professionals, I’m unconvinced that they are in the interests of the person who wants to die.

My thinking is based upon a notion of individual empowerment. In my opinion it is the person themselves who makes decisions about what happens to them. Not the doctor and not the person's family.

A rational person does not need a doctor to die - you can do it yourself and there are many organisations’ that can give you precise information on the easiest and guaranteed method. People interested in end of life choices, might also consider joining an organisation such as the Geneva based ‘Dignitas’, who will not only advise you on ways to lessen terminal suffering, but will also provide you with the means, as assisted suicide is legal in Switzerland, but I don’t think anywhere else.

There are many arguments for and against assisted dying and hundreds of books have been written on the subject, but at the end of ones life each person should be able to choose the way that is right for them if they can - and if not, hopefully a ‘living will’ can go some way in helping.

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